Nothing but a joke

I was thinking that it's right around graduation and that means having to go to a ceremony to watch people walk across a stage. Here are a coupl problems with that. first the ceremony is too long, I only usually care about the one relative I have graduation, and I don;t like gameboy enough to want to sit there and hear all the other people announced and watching them shake hands. Second it's boring, everybody waits there, slowly walks across and then leaves, there is always the one kid from Drama club who does a twirl or something creative that gets a couple laughs, but overall it's a snoozefest. Here is how you make it better. PLAY MUSIC. pick something in the vien of C&C Music Factory. TURN OFF THE LIGHTS. bring in the Sound Tech people a could of flashy lights, a strobe, a coupld of spotlights. Then have the local Sports announcer come in and say the names of the kids as they race across stage like they are in the starting lineup, they then could bump chests with all the head honchos and then get the diploma. This would speed up the ceremony for the people with one cousin, and would make it more exciting for those who do want to watch. Also with the light off you would avoind having people playing handheld games. Not only all this but all the looser nerdy kids who wouldn't get claps even if it were allowed between names could feel like for once in thier life that they are specail, cause the spotlight is on them. Lets do this for that kid, go call your local schoolboard memebers and get this thing going.

Cherry Coke, not your garden variety soda like your thinking, but instead a hybruid of the cocoa leaf and a cherry tree, this will create Cherry coke, this will become insanley popular once superstars Paris Hilton discover it, and hold huge parties where everyone is snorting a light red colored cocaine. The words firstout of the paris' mouth heard were "oh my God, it's like I O'd and went to drug heaven, pink cocaine, thats hot."

Star Wars went overboard trying to create memrobelia for the last movie, coming out with the Darth Mauler double sided dildo, yeah thats right its a double sided dildo shaped like the light saber used by the Sith warrior. It's a hit with all the true porno geeks.

A friend of mine told me he asked a native american if they were a NAC member (native american church) and he immeaditley responded "no I don't know where to get you any peyote" because peyote is a leagal drug in thier religion. Which make me think that I bet Inuit people get alot of kids on the street asking them if they have any Narwhale. Like man I just had a big barbecue and I'm all out, could you hook a boy up with some whale. I mean I'm sure Iniut get it all the time.

The big problem these days is that kids are overweight, people blame TV all the time and video games for the kids not being active. Well I feel like I watched a lot of TV as a child, I'm not overweight and I think I know why. Because the TV I had didn't really work. I mean I could watch the shows I wanted to, but when it came to watching consistantly it wasn't the best machine. The thing was there was no remote, so if we sat too far away we couldn't change the channel except with a big long stick, but with this stick we had to lean out and reach and put my body in strenous positions because the stick wasn't all that light and you had to be able to have muscle control on your arm to aim it at the up and down CH button. The other thing was it went out into scratchy black and white almost every fifteen minutes. this required me to go up to it and hold onto it with my left hand and proceed to smack it with my right, now these were hard smacks, enough to wake the person in the room next door late at night. But you almost always had to smack it for abour 20 seconds, and if the timing of the "fuzz out" was just right, like the 9th inning of the 1991 world series, then the hitting of the TV was a sweaty endeavour, my hands would ache and my arm would get tired in an attempt to view the last inning. I think this is what kids need, they can still watch TV a lot, but the can do groove thier body for 10 minutes a day by smaking the hell out of the TV. It could even have a spokesman to pitch it like George Foreman, it could be the George Foreman bitch smacking TV. He could demonstrate on a infomercial. wouldn't that be great, The world would be skinnier and we could hear a lot more from a guy who named all 6 of his kids the same name. Lets go out there and do it America, lets do it for the children.

I decided to try and help the new pope's image, by making a new TV show for him. The show is Pope my ride. I think it would only be fitting that it be hosted by Bishop Desmond Tutu, since he's the coolest thing the church has got. So Desmon Tutu goes to someones house in the ghetto, and picks out the biggest beater of a carhe can find. He then tell the person at the house that they are gonna pope thier ride, before the person has time to figure out who the british sounding black guy in funny hat is, he's off to a repair shop. At the repair shop they will proceed to mount a large bulletproof clear box on the roof of the car. This box will have a comfortable chair and a sliding panel, to shake tall peoples hand as you drive by. This will be a great edition for any G-thangs, because if you have a bulletproof box on your car, you would be invincible in drive by shootings. The downside being not too many people would have a hard time identifying what car did it. So after they get the roof finished, they would put embroiderd crosses all over the seats, the painting of the Sistine Chape lon the inside roof, and a bobblehead Jesus on the dashboard. Then in the trunk, where the bumps(speakers) usually go, the erect a bling bling shrine to the Virgin Mary, candels, rosary , the whole sheebang. The steering wheel and passenger dash will then have the airbags taken out and replaced with Holy water that drenches you in case of an accident. Lets face it if you are in a pope-mobile and your in an accident? I mean if its your time to go, then it's your time to go and no airbags are going to save you, but you will at least go out being able to cross yourself one last time. Of course the comedy of the show will be when the people see the car, and start saying "ahhh shit" but it will bleeped out. Desmond Tutu will them inform them to to 3 Hail Marys and 2 Glory Be's. Of course it will end with said customer looking at the camera and saying "thanks pope."

I was just taking a bath, and I just really enjoyed it. I get a lot of good thinking done when I'm taking a bath, same with sitting on the toilet. There must be something to being naked and alone that is inspiring. For instance while I was taking a bath I came up with my own personal demonstration of the effects of global warming, I just lay flat on my back and stick my belly out of the water in the air, so thats some island nation. Then I shift my body weight side to side to get the water moving, then right there I have the tides simulated, then I show the water level slowly rising. and eventually I suck in my gut and everthing is gone. Then the bast part was I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, so my stomach started grumbling, and it sounded the what dolphins do underwater. You know when your at the zoo and you go in the tunnel and you see them from underneath, and you can hear that hollow "erhe ehere" noise. Well in the demonstration that was the dolphins crying about the sinking of the island, because we all know dophins hate global warming. This is why baths are great, when I am older I want to have a bathtub so big I can just curl up in a ball and float there. Then I could re inact all my favorite scenes from "look who's talking." Because that movie it just awsome, whoever wrote that should have won a pullitzer prize or something, I mean fetus's that talk? thats complete genius, I'm suprised pro lifers haven't used that movie as propaganda to stop abortion, I mean Pat Robertson has really fallen asleep at the wheel if he dosen't get on that. But I was thinking I could exploit the issue of talking fetus' to show off my talents. So my next big project is putting on an off broadway existential play. The plot line will be that there are two twin babies discussing the topics of life and death and if it means anything, because the mother that they are inside is sitting in a abortion clinic waiting room. I know it will probably be controversial enough to put me on some lame talk show on MSNBC like "Donny Deutch" or something. Sarte would have been proud I'm sure, and in the end of the movie that some independent studio will do based on the play, I'll have at the end of the credits "thanks to all the bath tubs out there." So remember you heard it here first.